Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
