Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
