What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
