That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
