Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
