what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
