If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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