Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
