Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
