I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
