I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I skipped work to stalk him.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
