Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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