I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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