if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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