Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
