omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
