my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
