I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
