I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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