The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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