the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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