i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
