She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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