Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
