I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
