I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize