how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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