There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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