pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
