You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
can u get pink eye on your cock?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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