Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
