it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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