Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
