pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
