Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
