i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
