I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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