I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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