i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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