you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
