Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize