What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
