yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
