Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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