a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
