So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
