she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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