you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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