Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize