Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
this boner is exhausting
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
