Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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