I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize