Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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