If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
