i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
