Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
