Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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