She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
